A cocktail of thoughts…

There are so many things I want to write, so many emotions clogged up inside me waiting to be released. But I can't seem to put feelings to words nowadays.

Friends leaving…

One by one, friends are leaving this country which we called "home" for the past 4, 5 and even 6 years. Has this country stopped offering what it promised to offer? What is there over the oceans that attract us to uproot ourselves from this land of "equal opportunities" and guaranteed "diversity policies"?

I can't bear to leave… 

Why was it easier to pack up and leave our real home than it is packing up our life for the past half a decade here?

Why didn't we say…

"Aiya…so many memories. So used to life here already…"

when we packed our life into two suitcases and bade goodbye to family and friends at KLIA?

I'm growing old…

Has age caught up on me? I used to be pretty energetic till wee hours in the morning; either chit chatting with a group of friends over glasses of wine or just playing rounds and rounds of poker again with glasses filled with red or white liquid. But now…the maximum I can endure is 1am. Have I really aged?

I used to love watching movies (downloaded ones) on the bed with Vinz at night. But once the movie hits the middle, I'm fast asleep on his shoulder. Am I really growing old?

Now I just prefer reading a good book, sipping a cup of hot tea with legs stretched on my bed…

Feeling like a social outcast…

How do you fit in with a bunch of people you haven't met in your life at someone's birthday party? You don't even know the birthday girl what more her friends who look like they have been through life more than you have? Do you stuff your face with food and gulp down the free booze or do you try and chip into someone's conversation and blend in? What if your mood wasn't particularly good that day after a horendously hot summer afternoon walking on the streets of London and you were dragged by your other half to his friend's party…a friend whom he hasn't met in the last 3 years? Would you still stuff your face with free food or attempt to blend in or just sulk and dig your long and sharp nails into his skin, expressing your anger and frustration?

I did the last. I felt like a social outcast. Everyone was older, the birthday girl seemed too friendly for my liking, her boyfriend was the total opposite which irked me as well, the crowd was superficial; with their fake smiles and flimsy handshakes. I sat at a bench overlooking the Thames, sipping my lemonade and occasionally signalling to Vinz that I'm ready to leave this place anytime.

Why did I feel that way? I've always been able to blend in and be one of those superficial people. Laugh when the joke is funny. Be diplomatic when the time calls for it. Drink what the crowd drinks. Eat what they eat. Pretend the food is good but bitch about the people and the food later.

Maybe I've grown out of this phase. Or maybe I wasn't in the mood to socialise. I don't know.

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